


No Other Vocation

by carolinecrane



Series: Retrograde [12]
Category: CSI: Miami
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-02-11
Updated: 2004-02-11
Packaged: 2018-05-28 01:09:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6308140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carolinecrane/pseuds/carolinecrane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No matter how far you run, the past always catches up to you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Other Vocation

Running away never solved Speed's problems. He'd learned that the hard way, after a year of running that left him broke and more confused than ever and knocking on the door of a man he hadn't seen since he was a kid. It was dumb luck that David's uncle took him in when he turned up in Miami, and a weird twist of fate that Speed happened to meet Megan at the coroner's office.

He doesn't like to think about what would have happened if he hadn't met her and started hanging around the crime lab. Maybe he would have gone back to school eventually, maybe even gone through with med school and spent the rest of his life in research, locked away from people. That was why he took this job in the first place, because dealing with the dead meant he didn't have to interact too much with the living.

That was how it was supposed to work, anyway, but life had a weird way of not going exactly as planned. A long time ago his plan was to go to Europe with his best and only friend in the world, then come home and go to college, get an apartment somewhere in the city and spend the rest of their lives looking out for each other. It seemed like another lifetime now, like that quiet kid with all the dreams was somebody he'd read about in a book once.

The pain was still real, and whenever he caught himself wondering why he'd survived and David hadn't it all came rushing right back. But he'd moved on, and he had a life now. Maybe not the life he'd planned back then, but he was content, and that was pretty much all he'd ever expected.

Until Tyler. Once Tyler stumbled into his life he found himself...looking forward, thinking about stuff he thought he'd stopped wanting a long time ago. And it was terrifying, because Tyler was smart like David and interested in the things Speed liked to talk about, but he wasn't the type to shut out the rest of the world and let it be just the two of them.

He wanted more than that – he hadn't asked for it yet, but he'd come pretty close just a few days ago and Speed knew it was only a matter of time before the subject came up again. And there was a part of him that wanted to bolt, to cut his losses the way he had with Bernstein and everyone before and go back to being on his own, because that he knew how to do. That he was _good_ at, and he could be content with coming home to an empty apartment and going out with Eric every once in awhile to watch him flirt with every girl in the club.

He could be content, but he wouldn't be happy. And happiness was something he'd never really understood, but there were moments – when they were in the kitchen, his arms around Tyler while they diced peppers or Tyler's mouth on his to taste whatever they were cooking. Moments when Tyler was asleep, eyelids fluttering against some dream and Speed watching him, his chest so tight it was hard to breathe, and he was pretty sure that was what people meant by 'happy'. That was the closest he'd gotten in a long time, anyway, and he wanted to hold onto it as much as he wanted to run from it.

If Tyler had demanded an answer it would have been easier – if he'd pushed, Speed would have pushed back until finally there was nothing to fight for. Because he was good at messing things up, at saying or doing the wrong thing until the other person decided it wasn't worth the effort to try. What he wasn't good at was saying the right thing, asking for what he wanted – what he needed – even when he knew it would cost him the relationship.

So he'd expected Tyler to walk out even after Speed asked him to stay. He'd expected Tyler to tell him he needed to decide, that he should call when he made up his mind about what he wanted. Then Tyler would walk out and Speed wouldn't call, and eventually they'd just be two guys who worked together. That was the way it always went in the past, but he should have known Tyler wouldn't be any more predictable in this situation than he had been so far.

Speed knew he still wanted an answer, but he wasn't issuing ultimatums or calling Speed a coward or even putting a little space between them to force Speed's hand. He was just...being him, the same way he always was, and he hadn't brought it up once since Speed asked him to stay.

He knew what he had to do to keep Tyler in his life. He wasn't stupid; he'd been here before, and he knew there were only two ways this could go. The part that scared him was that he was actually considering whether or not he could do the things Tyler needed, say the words he needed to hear. And it wasn't much, but it was more than Speed had offered anybody in a long time, and he didn't know if he could go through with it.

For the first time since he got to Miami he wanted to try, though, and when Tyler showed up on his doorstep after an endless shift Speed had a speech all worked out. He'd rehearsed the words over and over until they were committed to memory, because he knew that was the only way he was getting through this. And he knew Tyler wouldn't complain, wouldn't interrupt until Speed said everything he needed to say.

The trouble was actually saying it, and his stomach was tied in knots as he stepped aside to let Tyler in. "Hey."

"Hey," Tyler answered, leaning in for a kiss that made Speed's knees wobble before he slid his jacket off. "Heard you had a hell of a day."

"Yeah." And he had – they all had – but that wasn't what he wanted to talk about. He took Tyler's jacket and hung it on the closet door before he steered him into the living room. "Look...there's some stuff I need to say."

"Okay," Tyler said, and he looked worried, but Speed expected that.

He sat down on the edge of the couch, waiting until Tyler sat next to him before he continued. And he'd spent hours rehearsing this, but now that Tyler was in front of him he couldn't remember any of the words. This never happened to him on the job, but that was the reason he'd spent so many years avoiding people as much as possible. On a case he didn't have to worry about tripping over his words, because the science usually spoke for itself. But this...this was about as unscientific as it got, and he had no idea if he was going to get any of it right.

"Look, I don't really talk about my personal life. With anyone. My parents – we haven't seen eye to eye for a long time. They don't agree with some of the choices I've made, so I don't tell them what's going on in my life. And work – I'd just as soon people weren't talking about me at the lab. Eric's a friend, but if I tell him...I don't know if it'll get back to Horatio."

"I'm not asking you to come out to Horatio," Tyler said, reaching over to take Tim's hand, and it was weird that it felt right to let Tyler hold onto him. "But for what it's worth, he already knows about me and he's fine with it."

Speed didn't bother to point out that it was different for him – he had a feeling it would just sound like an excuse, and maybe it was. He knew Horatio probably wouldn't have a problem with it, just like he probably wouldn't say anything about Speed dating a coworker. The fact was that Speed was one of the most prominent members of the team, though, and it could be held against him if it got farther than Horatio.

"This isn't about coming out. I'm not in the closet or anything, I just don't think it's anyone's business."

Tyler sighed and looked down at their hands, thumb moving in soothing strokes across Speed's skin a few times before he answered. "That's the thing, though. Not telling people is the same as hiding it. I'm not saying you need to organize a parade or anything. But it's a part of who you are, and if you let people believe otherwise it's the same as lying about it."

"So I'm lying to Eric if I don't tell him we're sleeping together?"

"If you let him think you're seeing some girl, yeah."

And he knew Tyler was right, but that didn't make it any easier to admit to himself. He'd never thought of himself as closeted – his parents knew, David knew before even he did, and anybody else that came along...nobody else had ever mattered, not until now. He'd always been gay, just like he'd always been private, and the combination probably looked to someone like Tyler as though maybe Speed wasn't as comfortable with himself as he pretended to be.

"This isn't about Eric. There are politics – people above Horatio who wouldn't be so understanding. City hall's always looking for a scapegoat in the crime lab, you know that."

It sounded lame even to him, but Tyler didn't roll his eyes or even pull his hand out of Speed's grip. And he didn't realize how tightly he was holding on until Tyler didn't try to pull away, but even then he couldn't bring himself to loosen his grip. "Look, what do you want? Do you want me to tell H?"

"No," Tyler answered, and when he smiled Speed's heart skipped a beat. "I just want to be a part of your life. I want to be able to introduce you to my friends, to tell them about my boyfriend instead of changing the subject whenever anybody asks me if I'm seeing someone."

The thought of meeting Tyler's friends made Speed's palms sweat, but it wasn't as terrifying as the thought of telling Horatio about them. It wasn't even as bad as the thought of telling Eric, and he was so relieved that Tyler wasn't walking out that he was nodding before he could stop himself. "You sure your friends want to meet me?"

"Trust me, they want to meet you," Tyler answered, and his smile made it worth the fluttering in Speed's stomach. "There's a party this weekend. We could just make an appearance, I'll introduce you to a few people and then we can bail. It'll be painless, I promise."

He had a feeling he was going to regret it before the weekend finally rolled around, but Speed found himself nodding for the second time anyway. "Okay."

The look on Tyler's face was a mixture of shock and an almost child-like delight, and Speed couldn't help laughing and leaning in to press another kiss to the corner of his mouth. Tyler turned into the kiss automatically, murmuring something against Speed's mouth that he didn't catch. He pulled back to ask what Tyler had said, but before he got the words out the phone rang.

"Damn," Speed muttered as he stood up and crossed the room. He glanced back at Tyler as he picked up the receiver, smiling in spite of the interruption when he found Tyler watching him. "Hello?"

"Tim, is that you?"

The sound of his mother's voice took him by surprise, and he had to swallow hard and turn his back to Tyler before he answered. "Yeah. Hi, Mom."

"Listen, honey, I know this is kind of out of the blue, but have you heard from your brother by any chance?"

"Matt? No. Why would he call me?"

She let out an exasperated sigh on the other end of the line, and Speed could just picture her rolling her eyes. "He went to Florida with a bunch of his friends over spring break. We haven't heard from him since he left, and I was hoping maybe he checked in with you. He promised to call when he got there, it's not like him to forget."

As soon as she said it the doorbell rang, and Speed raised his eyebrows and glanced over his shoulder. Tyler was already halfway across the living room before Speed could stop him, but his mother was still going on about his brother and where he might be. She sounded genuinely worried, and Speed swallowed a rush of guilt and turned his attention back to her. "Listen, Mom, I haven't heard from him, but I'm the last person he'd call. I can make a few calls, see if I can track him down. Do you know where he's staying?"

He wrote down the information she gave him, then murmured a few reassurances that Matt was probably fine and with his friends on the beach somewhere. He hung up the phone before she could tell him she loved him, ignoring a fresh rush of guilt and heading toward the hallway. When he got there Tyler was standing at the door, blocking whoever had rung the bell from Speed's line of sight.

"Wait," Tyler said, taking half a step forward as though the person was about to walk away. "Are you looking for Tim?"

"Yeah," said a vaguely familiar voice, and at this rate Speed was going to have a stroke before the end of the night. There was no way this was happening, but when he reached the door and looked over Tyler's shoulder he knew it was. For a second he didn't recognize the face staring back at him, but the features were similar enough to the ones he saw in the mirror every day that it didn't take much to convince him it was his brother.

"What are you doing here?"

"Man, that's some way to greet your only brother. So you gonna invite me in or..." Matt trailed off and glanced pointedly at Tyler, dark eyes that looked way too familiar sizing him up before he turned back to Speed. "Oh, my bad. Is this a bad time?"


End file.
